School of Hard Knocks

O.K. let`s get to this....I`m a 40 year old single father, part time musician, workaholic, in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction.  I`ve been clean and sober for over a year.  It`s been one hell of a ride.  At times I struggle and at times I may fall, however I`ve been blessed with faith in my Father, Lord. 

I was born and raised in a rough part of town known as Forest Lawn.  I was a child seeking love, attention, acceptance from family and friends but never really got it.  I always felt less than...not important...and at times like a mistake.  Feeling alone and scared I always wanted to be like my mentors such as my father, and certain family friends.  But even then I still could not measure up.  Circumstances in my life made me grow up quick.  I`m an expert in suicidal thoughts, sexual child abuse and abandonment...because I`ve experienced them.  Therefore, I learned to shut down.  I`ve been in and out of the child welfare system many times and still could not feel adequate. 

I started smoking marijuana at my sister`s wedding in Vancouver, and who would have thought that night would be the worst choice I ever made.  I did it to fit in...to feel accepted by not only my sister but my family members (I assure you, I hated the sensation).  For many years after that night, my addiction defined my life.  I crashed very hard at the age of 21.  I was homeless, jobless, without family, alone, scared, sad, guilty, ashamed and downright afraid of what was to come.  Somehow God steered me to a program called narcotics anonymous.  This is where my journey truly begins....and where my faith in God started. 

I went to a detox center, then a treatment center.  I stayed sober for quite some time but never changed my playgrounds...or playmates...or friends....so I relapsed.  This happened many times over the next 20 years.  Go hard in recovery....then crash and burn...and do it all over again.

God gave me a child 13 years ago called Calla-Lily.  The night my daughter was born was the first time I truly saw God.  Calla, if you ever read this, know that I loved you from the very beginning.  I was a very proud father from the moment I saw you and I continue to be proud of you even now.  I have no doubt you have grown into an amazing young woman and I look forward to the day I can see with my own eyes what you`ve become.  Now I wasn`t ready to be a father, but I promised that beautiful child I would do the best I could.  My marriage quickly ended with a nasty divorce that took 13 years to complete.

After Calla`s mother and I split up, I was homeless and jobless yet again in Vancouver.  I was sitting by one of the shelters and was approached by an elderly Chinese lady who asked me, ``Do you believe in God´´.  With great uncertainty, I replied that yes...somewhere within my inner being, I knew there was no doubt that God exists.  She reached in her pocket and handed me $50.  I broke down and surrendered at that moment.  For the first time in my life, I felt like someone really did care.  That`s where my journey with God, my Father...Saviour of every being on the planet began.  I would sit by the chapel by the shelter during the day and talk to God.  It wasn`t always an easy conversation.  There were tears, groans, fights, and praise.  Somewhere in the middle of all that, God started showing me the path I should take...get back into recovery, stay sober, do the best with what I`ve got.  He had a plan...I didn`t know what that plan was going to entail...but I was willing to follow.  What did I have to lose...but even then my own defiant nature got in the way.  Every step was a fight, I wasn`t willing to surrender everything....yet.

I met a woman while in college who was a fantastic person.  For the sake of her privacy, I`ll call her K. We started a life in the winter of 1999 filled with hopes and promises that we would be together for life.  I started to attend church on a regular basis and very quickly became part of the worship team.  Being a drummer, I found the worship team to be a way for me to communicate my love for God in a way that made sense to me.  I LOVE music...I love percussion...anything that sounds like a beat.  To be able to use that ability to announce to the world what God has done was an honor and a priviledge for me.  I began toying with possible writing abilities and prayed one day to cut my own CD.  I`ve come close...but haven`t reached that goal yet.  K and I started to attend a church with a huge public profile.  This is where my musical abilities flourished.  I played with amazing musicians in the Christian music scene.  Each and every time I was on stage, I felt the presence of God.  I embraced my ability to reach people through music and felt God`s hand leading me to that end.  I often visualized myself playing for bands like Stryper, Disciple, and others...Music defines my heart, my soul, my mind.  Even in this time of communing with God, there was this little voice in my head telling me that I didn`t measure up. 

I never hid the fact that I wasn`t married to K.  When the worship team found out I wasn`t married, I was asked to leave.  This crushed me.  To have this music...this community taken from me felt like someone had sucked the air out of the room.  I couldn`t breathe.  My connection, my method of communicating with God had been stripped from me.  How could I talk to Him now...

K and I left that church and started to attend another church.  I was quickly asked to play drums for their worship team.  It wasn`t the most professional group of people but I loved each and every one of them and miss them to this day.  My method of communicating with God was back!  We started talking about recording some music together and had made some arrangements to get started.  However, circumstances brought that to a halt.  I had relapsed.  K and I had separated.  Once again, I was crushed, alone, scared. 

I decided to go on a bit of a tear.  For one month, all I did was drink.  No one knew where I was, how I was doing, how I was feeling, or if I was even alive.  My music had died and my desire to play died with it.  My love for God was slipping away.  One evening I smashed all my guitars, sold all my gear and drank to kill the pain.  A concerned friend found me and drove me to a detox center.  I stayed 5 days and met Rod and Tammi, directors of a local recovery house.  I`ve been clean and sober over a year now.  My love of music is back and even though I had given up on God, He never gave up on me!  Praise the Lord!  I love Him with everything in me.  I walk proudly, I stand tall, and pray for guidance every day.  You may ask, ``what makes this time of sobriety any different from all the others``.  Here`s my answer...

For the first time in my life, I got to a place where I was willing to surrender EVERYTHING.  No more keeping anything for myself...because I just make a mess of it.  It is God who is in control of this life....for the rest of this life!  He has forgiven me and I am clean!  Washed in the blood that He shed for me!  What He chooses to give and what He chooses to take away is up to HIM...not me.  Thy will be done....